How to survive the world of TEFL #1: Never volunteer for anything

One of the great fallacies of the twentieth century was that it was somehow wrong to be a pessimist. The idea that one is in the wrong if you view the proverbial glass as being half empty rather than half full brands me among the unfortunate majority of the populace who, rumour has it, take no joy out of life. They, whoever they are, are quite wrong in this assumption. A healthy dose of realism is one of the greatest companions one can have on life’s journey. There’s nothing wrong with the glass being half empty if you’ve enjoyed drinking the first half and will get equal pleasure from consuming what’s left. Conversely, the worst people a society can spew forth are often those for whom the glass is half full, the rich being a prime example. Such folk will invariably go to great lengths to ensure that their glass remains half full, whatever the cost to others. These are the buggers you have to be wary of.

In the world of TEFL, realism – pessimism if you absolutely must – will help you survive on a day to day basis. With this in mind, I’ll be guiding those of you with less pessimism (years of experience) than myself on how to get by in our most noble of professions. As you go through your teaching career, you’ll inexorably come into contact with any number of course books and, even worse, the accompanying teacher’s manual. From time to time you may be suffering one of those days where you suddenly have renewed faith in life and you decide to open the teacher’s manual. After quickly closing it again, you’ll find yourself cursing the layout and wishing they could have presented the bloody information in a way understandable to people other than Neo when he was in the Matrix. I’m going way off on a tangent here, but the point I’m trying to make is that people like their info to be easily digestible. With this in mind, whenever I cobble together one of my how to guides, I’ll be bullet-pointing, underlining and bolding like a student desperately trying to mask their plagiarism.

Here we go then with the first counsel on how to endure the world of TEFL.

Lackland’s laws

Lackland’s laws state as follows:

1. Never be first
2. Never be last
3. Never volunteer for anything

If you can stick to these three principles as much as possible, you’re off to one hell of a good start. I can sense that many of you are looking at this and thinking that these are pure pessimism. I can azure you half-fullers that you are quite wrong and here is why.

Never be first

Being first will generate an incredible amount of bad will towards you. Being first could manifest itself in any one of many situations:

• the first to sign up for an observation with the DoS
• meeting with the boss
• trial new course books or materials
• write an article for the school newsletter

Doing any of these things is OK and may well help you stay in your job, however doing any of these things first will arouse suspicion in your colleagues, none of whom are as nice as you. Be the second, by all means, but do not be the first one to do anything.

Never be last

Being last will also generate an incredible amount of bad will towards you and not from your colleagues but from those in the position to terminate your employment. This is never good. Here are some things you particularly don’t want to be last in:

• the last to make an arrangement of an observation with the DoS
• the last to arrive at the staff meeting (one time it’s Ok to be first because on one will realize)
• the last to use the photocopier before it breaks down

Again, be the second to last, by all means, but do not be the last one to do anything. You might as well walk around with a sandwich board with the words ‘first against the wall when the revolution comes’ written on it.

Never volunteer for anything

People who volunteer for stuff are invariably up to something. Volunteering is different from being the first in that it is nominally optional. I say nominally because not all things that require volunteers are voluntary. Learning the distinction between what is truly voluntary and what requires compulsory volunteerism is an important skill that, while I offer no advice on how, I do suggest you acquire.

If you really must volunteer, make sure you…

Volunteer for something that no one realizes needed doing, especially not your boss.

People won’t resent you too much because what you’ve done will be so far over their heads they won’t even comprehend it.Find something that doesn’t exist, like a handbook for a self access learning centre, go on the internet and find a downloadable example, edit the details to fit your schools needs, present it to your boss. This is extremely effective volunteering as it is sneaky, it doesn’t require much work and will keep you out of trouble for quite a while.

Do it incredibly reluctantly and make sure your colleagues know that they owe you.

Complain all the while, make out it is much harder than it really is. Avoid meetings because you’re too busy on the voluntary project. In other words, milk it.

Don’t appear to enjoy it even if you are enjoying it.

If you look like you’re enjoying it, it will become part of your job. This is rarely a good thing. Don’t forget to blow it out of proportion on your CV, though.

Use having volunteered this time as an excuse for not volunteering for the much worse task that is bound to come in the future.

‘Look guys, I volunteered to do that really cushy task that took me the whole of five minutes, so you can understand why I don’t want to be involved in this huge project that will eat into my private life for months on end’ is exactly how you shouldn’t work this quality piece of shirking.

Make sure it is a replication of work you’ve already done.

A couple of months ago you cobbled together that end of level test and didn’t share it with anyone, now volunteer to write the end of level test and share it with everyone.

These are quality guidelines that will help you on the road to healthy pessimism. Now, go and finish that half glass while it’s still cold.

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